Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
- Psalm 51:5 NKJV

This post is not meant as an attack on anyone, it merely represents my current place in my personal journey. If you disagree with any of my points I am open to dialogue, I love to learn and grow. Once again, the views expressed in this post are my personal views.

Who am I?

I remember when I was in middle school I bought a paperback book entitled “who am I?” quiz book. I saw it in one of those Scholastic catalogs we would get at school and ordered it. I found the book and took a picture of it so you can see what I am talking about.

The book is divided into six parts.

1. The Inside Me

2. The Outside Me

3. What Are My Talents

4. How Do I Deal with Family and Friends?

5. How Do I Act with the Opposite Sex?

6. How Do I See the World and How Do I See Myself Fitting into It?

The back cover of the book says

“Here’s a book full of quizzes to help you find out all about the most important person in your life — you! Find out about the inside you, the outside you, your talents, and how you get along with your family, friends, and the opposite sex. Score yourself to find out how you measure up!”

Those of you who remember the early days of Facebook and even MySpace probably remember the quizzes people used to share. The quizzes would have titles like “Which Superhero Are You?” or something along those lines. Buzzfeed has quite the collection of useless quizzes to waste your time. But Buzzfeed would not waste time energy and resources in creating something completely useless. So why do they have so many quizzes about everything under the sun? My guess is that Buzzfeed does that for the same reason it does everything else, to get your attention, your time, and of course, your clicks.

So where am I going with this? Apparently, we are fascinated with ourselves and our mysteries. Many turn to their sign (astrology), their DNA, their family tree, online quizzes, personality tests, IQ tests, etc. We want to find out who we are, what we are like, what our strengths and weaknesses are, what we love and what we are good at among many other things. Clearly, I am in no position to point fingers since I spent some of my hard-earned money as an early teen buying a paperback quiz book that promised to help me figure out who I was.

I believe that there is value in taking time to figure ourselves out. I believe we should be familiar with what we enjoy and what we would rather avoid, what we are good at and what we struggle with. I believe that personality tests, etc. have their place. I am often concerned about self-improvement and I greatly value feedback. I understand that too much of this can be unhealthy, so I try to limit it to asking my leadership team to fill out a pastoral ministry evaluation form once a year. I want to know if I am improving, I want to know what I am doing well, I want to know what I could do better.

I guess this approach means I have a growth mindset. I do not believe that I am the best version of myself and that I can become better. I think I also annoy my wife a bit with this since I ask her how I could be a better husband fairly often. It is probably not very endearing to hear your significant other asking you, “So on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate my performance this last month?” “In which areas of the home life do you wish I was more involved?” etc.

I share all this as a way of recognizing my personal journey which shapes my view of life. I share this hoping that you can understand where I am coming from. This view of myself is deeply shaped by my personal theological views.

Fallen Human Nature

I believe that our core humans are not good, kind, and loving. I believe that at our core even our kindness is shaped by some selfish desire and only God can change that in us.

“The heart is deceitful above all things,
And desperately wicked;
Who can know it?
- Jeremiah 17:9 NKJV

One of the reasons we seek these quizzes is because who we are is not obvious to us. We can lie to ourselves, which also renders these quizzes inaccurate. That’s why the above passage from Jeremiah is so significant to me. The practical way that I apply this verse in my personal life is that I distrust myself. I seek God for guidance, strength, wisdom, and help. This understanding of my natural state, as one that is fallen, causes me to not look within myself for the solution, but rather to God.

Here are the two verses that come before the one quoted above.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
And whose hope is the Lord.
For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,
Which spreads out its roots by the river,
And will not fear when heat comes;
But its leaf will be green,
And will not be anxious in the year of drought,
Nor will cease from yielding fruit.
- Jeremiah 17:7-8 NKJV

According to these verses, when I trust and hope in the Lord, everything will turn out okay. My trust should not be in humans, including myself, my hope does not come from what I see, but is ultimately established in God. When I look inward I find reasons to lose hope. I find the words of David recorded in Psalm 51 very appropriate.

Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.

For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,
And blameless when You judge.

Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
- Psalm 51:1-5NKJV

I strongly recommend reading the entire chapter. David wrote this when he was confronted regarding his sin of adultery and murder. David could have made excuses, he could have simply had the prophet who accused him killed, instead, he repented and recognized that he was sinful, he was guilty, and in desperate need of forgiveness.

One of the principles that jump out at me from Psalm 51 is that David did not blame God for his sin, or for the temptation that led to his sin. He could have argued that he was born that way, that he was attracted to the woman, and that he was simply following his heart, that he was simply being true to himself. Yet David recognizes that he should have controlled his urges, that he should control his attraction and not the other way around.

Look at what Paul had to say when he wrote to the Ephesians

And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others.
- Ephesians 2:1-3 NKJV

What I take away from what Paul is saying here is that a life dedicated or guided by the lusts and desires of the flesh goes against God’s plans. What is this flesh? Paul seems to label our internal desire that goes against God’s will as being from the flesh or carnal, as opposed to being from God or the spirit.

True to Myself?

I will try to illustrate this by looking at a challenging passage from the Bible.

For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.

I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.
- Romans 7:14-25 NKJV (bold mine)

What I take away from Paul’s writing is that he is struggling. He wants to do things that he knows to be right, things that are in accordance with the law of God. Yet it feels like a battle because his body seems to want to do things he does not approve of, things that go against the law of God. I wonder if anyone reading this can relate to Paul’s struggle. You are aware of your duty, of what is right, but you don’t always feel like doing it. Sometimes you feel like being dishonest, choosing violence, not forgiving, getting revenge, cheating, stealing, lying. So what do you do in these circumstances?

If I want to be true to myself, which self do I choose? The self that recognizes God’s will or the self that rebels against God’s will for my life? If I insist that when I break God’s laws I am doing so in the name of being true to myself, does that make it okay?

Just to be clear, you are free to make your own choices. I am simply trying to convey that both choices or paths are not equal. Everyone is free to choose their own path. Any path is bound to have its share of struggles and difficulties. There is no easy path. But there is one path that God calls us to.

Here is how Jesus puts it:

“Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.
- Matthew 7:13-14 NKJV

Some seem to believe that the life of the believer should be one of ease where all problems and difficulties simply evaporate. But I have yet to see one Bible hero who had an easy life.

Jesus also said,

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?
- Matthew 16:24-26 NKJV

Jesus poses some important questions. Essentially, you are free to do whatever you want with this life, however, just doing whatever you want, the selfish and easier road will not lead to the best possible outcome. Eternal life is a gift from God and He gives it freely to those who choose Him above all. That means choosing God even above our personal desires. Following Jesus means doing His will even when it is difficult, or especially when it is difficult. You can choose to live for yourself, you can chase all that you want and become very rich, but what good will all the wealth in the world if it costs your eternal life? As Jesus put it “ For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?“

People around you may be all about being true to themselves, but I would argue that we should be more concerned about being true to God. Jesus calls me to deny myself, but this does not mean I cancel myself out. This means that whenever I have to decide between doing what I want and what God wants I should always choose what God wants. What God did for us, what He does, and what He is willing to do cannot be compared to anything this world has to offer.

Here is how Paul sees it,

But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 3:7-14 NKJV

My Truest Self

I would like to propose to you that we find our truest selves in Jesus. It may feel like our desires to rebel against God represent our true selves, because it feels easier, it feels more natural, and following God feels unnatural, feels difficult. But I would argue that the temptations feel natural because we live in a fallen world that is in a state of rebellion against God. However, God will one day make all things new, perfect just like they were before sin (See Genesis 1-3 and Revelation 21-22). So even though it feels like going against the current to be faithful to God, I choose to be faithful to God, by the strength He provides me through His Holy Spirit, because I know that God’s plans for me are much better than even the plans I have for myself.

For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for prosperity and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
- Jeremiah 29:11 NASB

Only in God can I find my truest self, the person I was created to be, the person that, by God’s grace, I will one day become.