Tips for Better Relationships

This post builds on the basic ideas I described in my post Better Habits where I talk about the importance of developing habits that are aligned with your values and priorities. The three values/priorities that I identified were prayer (discussed in greater detail on the audio found in my post Prioritizing Prayer), Bible study (discussed in more detail in my post Feed My Sheep), and relationships, which will be discussed in more detail on this post. I also recommend listening to the audio.

Life is about Relationships

First and foremost we must have a strong relationship with God.

Secondly, we must have a relationship with those around us.

God calls us to love, and not to live isolated lives. In Matthew 5:13 Jesus calls his followers the salt of the earth. But salt only makes a difference when it is mixed with food. Salt is useless as long as it remains in the saltshaker. The question then becomes how to make the most of our interactions with those around us.

Jesus summarizes the whole law into two simple commands. Love God, and love those around you (Matthew 22:34-40) Here are some excerpts of what some commentators have said about this passage.

Stuart K. Weber writes:

Jesus emphasized his answer by identifying this commandment as the first and greatest commandment. This commandment was greatest because of the statement in Deuteronomy 6:4 which preceded it: “Yahweh is your God, Yahweh alone” (paraphrased). To honor Yahweh as the one true God is to love him exclusively, from among all others who claim to be gods.

22:39. But Jesus went beyond the critics question and added a second command, which is like (homoios, “resembling”) the first, this time drawing from Leviticus 19:18 (cf. Matt. 19:19): love your neighbor as yourself. This commandment and the first complement each other, so Jesus mentioned them together. They are not to be separated. It is impossible to love God without loving people, for his law and heart’s desire is to love others. The measure by which we know if we are truly loving people is if we love them as much as we love ourselves (cf. Eph. 5:28–31).

22:40. Finally, Jesus defended his choice of these two commandments by observing that all the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments (or “depends” on them). Every Old Testament commandment and teaching fulfilled the commands to love God and to love people.
- ​Holman New Testament Commentary: Matthew J. Round 3: The King Elevates Love for God and People (22:34–40)

Michael Green writes:

The summary is exceedingly powerful and disturbing, for it takes the questioner from the area of achievement, which he might conceivably fulfil, to that of attitude, where nobody can boast fulfilment. For people who, like this expert in the law, were strong on ethics and weak on relationships, this strongly relational teaching was a revealing mirror of the heart. Nobody has ever loved God with all his being. Nobody has ever loved her neighbour as herself. So nobody can possibly merit eternal life. Once again, it brings us back to grace. If we are to have any place in the kingdom of God, it will be due to the unmerited grace of God for sinners who could never make it by themselves.
- The Message of Matthew The Third Controversy, about Priorities (22:34–40)

With this in mind let us turn to what I believe to be the clear practical implications of this truth. Since Jesus taught that I must love God and those around me what can I do to have stronger relationships? We addressed prayer and Bible study in my two previous posts and those are two solid ways to invest in our relationship with God so now we will turn to how to have stronger relationships with those around us.

Why talk about relationships?

First of all, because of what Jesus said and what we briefly discussed above. Second of all, because loneliness is bad for your health.

According to an article on Psychology Today There is growing evidence that when our need for social relationships is not met, we fall apart mentally and even physically. This might seem like an easy enough problem to solve. Some might think that you just need to get out more and make friends, but it’s not always so simple, especially for those who have been suffering from loneliness.

An article from Ideas.Ted.com states that we can’t trust our perceptions when we are lonely.

Guy Winch adds:

“As a result, many lonely people withdraw and isolate themselves to avoid risking further rejection or disappointment. And when they do venture into the world, their hesitance and doubts are likely to create the very reaction they fear. They will force themselves to attend a party but feel so convinced others won’t talk to them, they spend the entire evening parked by the hummus and vegetable dip with a scowl on their face, and indeed, no one dares approach — which for them only verifies their fundamental undesirability.”
- https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-beat-loneliness/

So what can we do?

I would recommend first recognizing that we are lonely and in need of relationships.

Second I would recommend that it will require intentional effort. In other words, it will be difficult and you will need to intentionally place yourself in situations where you might feel awkward and uncomfortable. You need to monitor your feelings and change your self-talk, making it more positive. Volunteer, show up for events, accept the invitations you receive. If you are not currently attending a church regularly I would definitely recommend a church that follows and teaches the Bible and is active. If you already attend a church, join a ministry, get involved, volunteer.

Third, I would recommend being friendly. We tend to feel unwanted and we end up pushing potential friends away. Smile! Be kind, be honest, be polite, be present in the moment.

Family Time

Those of you who are living with your family, especially parents with kids at home, can also be intentional about strengthening the relationships within your family.

Plan and schedule family activities. They can range from game night to family worship, to intentional conversations around the table during a special meal. Make rules that will highlight the importance of investing in the family relationship. These rules can include no screens during family time or no screens during family meals around the table. The rules can also include how everyone needs to share at least one story or one question, or suggest one game, etc. Get everyone involved.

More General tips

Here are some tips that are helpful in most interactions you have with others. For a more in-depth look at meaningful conversations check out my post Tips on starting meaningful conversations.

I hope you have found these tips meaningful. Do you have any favorite tips that have worked in your life? Let me know by commenting on this post.