Marriage and Divorce
This post is part of my Join Me on The Mountainside series.
When I was pastoring a church in Texas, many years ago, a recently baptized member of my church approached me to ask if it was true that pastors, and religious leaders in general, only taught the general public the equivalent of 4th grade level theology. I don’t know where she got that information from, but honestly, I am excited to share all the information I have. What limits how much information I share is the level of interest of my audience. By this I mean that I will share all that I believe you will find helpful.
The topic of marriage and divorce is sensitive and complex. Though I do want to remain practical, this post will be longer than usual and full of quotes that I found helpful. As always, I want my posts to be conversation starters and not the final word. I am looking forward to reading your comments on this post. Feel free to agree or disagree. Let’s continue this conversation as we seek God’s will for our lives.
Historical/ Cultural Context
In the ancient world generally, it was held that a married man could have sexual adventures as long as they did not involve a married woman (which would mean violating the rights of her husband). A woman, however, was expected to have no such relations; she should be chaste before marriage and faithful after it. O. J. Baab puts the accepted view in these terms:
“Because of the nature of marriage, adultery was not so much evidence of moral depravity as the violation of a husband’s right to have sole sexual possession of his wife and to have the assurance that his children were his own.
- The Interpreter’s Dictionary of the Bible, Vol. 1 (Nashville 1962; supplementary volume, 1976) p.51
It was not seen as adultery, for example, for an Israelite to have intercourse with a female slave or with a Gentile woman. Adultery for him involved infringing the rights of another Israelite male. Jesus, however, in the Sermon on the Mount, makes no distinction, indicating that people of both sexes were to remain faithful. Jesus even specifically mentions the man as the adulterer (Matthew 5:32; 19:9). Jesus calls for complete fidelity on the part of both partners.
In my previous post (It Begins in The Heart), I discussed Mathew 5:29-30 where Jesus provides a picturesque repudiation of a prized part of the body vividly demonstrating that there is to be no compromise with evil. (Morris, L. (1992). The gospel according to Matthew. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing.) So it should come as no surprise that Jesus does not lower His standards for anyone regarding marriage and divorce.
In other passages in this section, Jesus is dealing with a specific command of God. However, people were not commanded by God to get divorced. This passage assumes the practice of divorce and speaks of how it was regulated in the Mosaic law. Jesus seems to be protecting the woman from the harshness of her husband. The aim seems to be not to condone divorce but rather to mitigate its evil consequences. (N. B. Stonehouse, The Witness of Matthew and Mark to Christ, (London, 1944) p. 204)
Old Testament
In order to better understand the Jewish views on divorce we need to familiarize ourselves with Deuteronomy 24:1-4.
“When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, 2 when she has departed from his house, and goes and becomes another man’s wife, 3 if the latter husband detests her and writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her as his wife, 4 then her former husband who divorced her must not take her back to be his wife after she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the Lord, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance.
- Deuteronomy 24:1-4 NKJV
The main point of the passage is to prohibit the remarriage of one’s own divorced partner. The reason for this regulation appears to be that if the wife’s ‘indecency’ was so terrible and had so ‘defiled’ her as to be a sufficient ground for divorce, it was also a sufficient reason for not taking her back. I believe this was intended to warn husbands against hasty decisions, because once made it could not be rescinded. This would also protect wives against exploitation. Notice that this prohibition is the only command in the whole passage; there is certainly no command to a husband to divorce his wife, nor even any encouragement to do so. (John R. W. Stott and John R. W. Stott, The Message of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7): Christian Counter-Culture, The Bible Speaks Today (Leicester; Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1985), p.95.)
As far as I can tell the bill of divorce was for the protection of the woman; otherwise she would not be allowed to re-marry and if cast out by her husband she would be destitute. Also, women were not allowed to divorce their husbands. Though this passage does not clarify this, apparently the wife could petition the court, if her plea was accepted the court would then direct the husband to divorce her. (Morris, L. (1992). The gospel according to Matthew. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing. p. 120)
New Testament
Divorce was legislated in the Old Testament, but it was never banned. Two Pharisees, who were slightly older contemporaries of Jesus debated back and forth regarding the legitimate grounds for divorce.
Hillel permitted a man to put away his wife for “any good cause” (which could be as minor an issue as frequently burning his food!), while Shammai limited it to “adultery” (Mishna Gittin 9:10).
- Craig Blomberg, Matthew, vol. 22, The New American Commentary (Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1992), 110.
I was able to find the Mishnah Gittin 9.10 online. There I read that Rabbi Akiva says: He may divorce her even if he found another woman who is better looking than her and wishes to marry her, as it is stated in that verse: “And it comes to pass, if she finds no favor in his eyes” (Deuteronomy 24:1).
Though Rabbi Akiva is thought to have lived c.110 – c.135 CE and therefore was not a contemporary of Jesus, his comments illustrate how different Jesus’ stance is even when compared to what relatively more modern rabbis taught on this topic.
With this context in mind let us turn to the words of Jesus recorded in Matthew 5:31-32.
Furthermore, it has been said…
31 “Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.
- Matthew 5:31-32 NKJV
With the emphatic “But I say unto you” Jesus shares His own understanding of marriage and divorce. Jesus emphasizes that marriage is not to be dissolved lightly. However, these two verses can hardly be thought to represent the sum total of Jesus’ thoughts regarding divorce. Matthew records a fuller version in chapter 19. Knowing this we should take the two passages together and interpret the shorter in the light of the longer.
Is it lawful…?
3 The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?”
4 And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
7 They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?”
8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”
10 His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”
- Matthew 19:3-10 NKJV
It is significant to emphasize that the law of Moses did not institute divorce, but rather, by divine direction, Moses tolerated divorce and regulated it to prevent abuses. God’s ideal for marriage is found in Genesis 2:21-25 and not Deuteronomy 24:1-4.
Divorce is "not a divine instruction, but only a divine concession to human weakness."
- John R. W. Stott and John R. W. Stott, The Message of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7): Christian Counter-Culture, The Bible Speaks Today (Leicester; Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1985), 95.
As we have established in this series, Jesus does not oppose Scriptures in the Sermon on the Mount. Likewise, here Jesus is clarifying God’s ideal and opposing scribal interpretations. While the religious leaders of the time seemed to be concerned with the proper procedures and the correct wording of the bill of divorce that would expressly permit the woman to marry and the appropriate witnesses for the process to be legally binding Jesus was concerned with highlighting the importance of marriage.
Even the verb rendered as “divorce” (ἀπολύω) literally means “release” and is used for releasing a prisoner (Matthew 27:15) or a debtor (Matthew 18:27) and even forgiveness (Luke 6:37). I mention this because it helps us understand divorce in Jesus’ time as the giving up of one’s claim on a wife. (Morris, L. (1992). The gospel according to Matthew. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing. p121)
A paraphrase
What, then, did Jesus teach? N. B. Stonehouse (The witness of Matthew and Mark to Christ by N. B. Stonehouse (Tyndale Press, 1944; 2nd edition 1958)) offers a good paraphrase of the first part of the antithesis in the Sermon on the Mount:
‘Ye have heard of the appeal of Jewish teachers to Deuteronomy 24:1 in the interest of substantiating a policy which permits husbands freely at their own pleasure to divorce their wives—simply by providing them with a duly attested document of the transaction.’ ‘But I say to you,’ Jesus continued, that such irresponsible behaviour on the part of a husband will lead him and his wife and their second partners into unions which are not marriage but adultery. To this general principle there is one exception. The only situation in which divorce and remarriage are possible without breaking the seventh commandment is when it has already been broken by some serious sexual sin.
In this case, and in this case only, Jesus seems to have taught that divorce was permissible, or at least that it could be obtained without the innocent party contracting the further stigma of adultery. The modern tendency of Western countries to frame legislation for divorce on the basis rather of the ‘irretrievable breakdown’ or ‘death’ of a marriage than of a ‘matrimonial offence’ may make for better and juster law; it cannot be said to be compatible with the teaching of Jesus.
- John R. W. Stott and John R. W. Stott, The Message of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7): Christian Counter-Culture, The Bible Speaks Today (Leicester; Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1985), 97–98.
Porneia
Jesus states that the only acceptable reason for divorce is πορνεία.
(1) Some feel Jesus used this as a synonym for adultery (moicheia). Therefore adultery by either partner in a marriage is the only sufficient grounds for a marriage to end in divorce. Among those holding this view, some believe remarriage is possible but others believe remarriage should never occur.
(2) Others define porneia as a sexual offense that could occur only in the betrothal period when a Jewish man and woman were considered married but had not yet consummated their coming marriage with sexual intercourse. If in this period the woman was found pregnant (as was Mary; 1:18–19), a divorce could occur in order to break the contract.
(3) Still others believe the term porneia referred to illegitimate marriages within prohibited degrees of kinship, as in Leviticus 18:6–18. If a man discovered that his wife was a near relative, he would actually be involved in an incestuous marriage. Then this would be a justifiable grounds for divorce. Some say this meaning of porneia is found in Acts 15:20, 29 (cf. 1 Cor. 5:1).
(4) Another view is that porneia refers to a relentless, persistent, unrepentant lifestyle of sexual unfaithfulness (different from a one-time act of illicit relations). (In the NT porneia is broader than moicheia). Such a continued practice would thus be the basis for divorce, since such unfaithful and unrelenting conduct would have broken the marriage bond. (On the subject of divorce and remarriage, see comments on 1 Cor. 7:10–16.)
- Louis A. Barbieri Jr., “Matthew,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, ed. J. F. Walvoord and R. B. Zuck, vol. 2 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985), 63–64.
However, in recent times there has been debate regarding pornography. Some have argued that Jesus did not address it during His time because it did not exist as it does now. So if someone catches their spouse consuming pornography is it grounds for divorce?
I remember discussing this while at the seminary. Porneia can be applied broadly or specifically, so which way should we interpret it?
Principle for interpretation and application of porneia
When applying it to self, interpret it a broadly as possible. Anything that could possibly cause marital infidelity even if just in the mind/heart (see Matthew 5:27-30 It Begins in The Heart).
However, when applying to your spouse do your best to save the marriage and do not use it as a reason to give up on your marriage and your spouse.
The Bible portrays the Divine Lover as willing to woo back even his adulterous wife. (Cf. Jeremiah 2:1; 3:1; 4:1; Hosea 2:1–23)
Adventures in Missing the Point
If we read Jesus’ words looking for a reason to divorce our spouse we will be missing the point. Even if you have reason to divorce it does not mean you should.
What about abuse?
I am also aware of the danger that lies on the other extreme. What about the spouse who is not guilty of porneia but is physically, emotionally, financially, financially, and socially abusive?
I have heard the horror stories of spouses, usually wives, being told by religious leaders that she has to remain in an abusive marriage. I do not believe that God desires anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. With that said, I have also heard very broad definitions of abuse.
Personal Stories
Long long ago, in a church far far away, a wife from my congregation asked to talk with me. She had found evidence that her husband was doing drugs, after they had talked about it and he promised her he would quit. As I listened to her story and watched the tears roll down her face I realized that trust was broken and she did not feel safe with him. She said there was no physical abuse, but she didn’t know how she could possibly live with a man she could not trust.
I tried to comfort and encourage her and make plans for where she could stay and began to talk about the best way to handle this situation. I did not tell her to divorce him, but I also failed to encourage her to fight for her marriage.
Later we talked again. She had decided to stay and help her husband overcome his addictions. She did love him after all. She had called her father and he had told her that she should not leave her husband in his moment of need and that she could be a positive godly influence in the life of her husband.
When she told me the words of her father I felt terrible. In my mind, her father gave her the advice I should have given her. I felt like I had failed her and her husband. By God’s grace, they are still married to this day.
Story #2
Long long ago, in a church far far away an older lady came to talk to me. She was concerned about her adult daughter who was also a member of our church. Her daughter was married to a man who was abusive, lazy, dishonest, abusive, and unfaithful. They had lived in her house for a while and she witnessed the abuse. He didn’t have a job, he cheated on her, he was not a believer, and he was abusive. I talked with the daughter. The abuse was real, he had no intentions of changing, he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. I explained to her that though she was a positive influence in his life and a blessing, she did not have to stay with such an abusive man.
They separated temporarily, but before I left she had let him come back and I have not stayed in touch with them. I don’t know what the current situation is.
Personal Reflections
I can talk with couples and help equip two people who want to make their marriage work. I can help with communication, conflict resolution, and budgeting. But I do not know all the answers and I am not a marriage counselor. What I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt is that marriage is God’s idea and that it should be a lifelong commitment. You should do everything you can to save your marriage.
I also understand that people are free to make their choices and you can’t force someone to be in a relationship.
A comprehensive list?
Paul seems to have recognized Jesus’ words as not comprehensive, since in 1 Corinthians 7:15 he introduces a second legitimate ground for divorce that Jesus never mentioned. (Craig Blomberg, Matthew, vol. 22, The New American Commentary (Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1992), 111–112.)
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
- 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 NKJV
I won’t dive into this one but I leave it here for your consideration.
The Main Point
I am not writing this to make anyone who has been divorced feel bad about their past or to accuse anyone who had remarried of living in adultery. God is able to bless and forgive and work with anyone. Divorce is not the unpardonable sin. Also, from what I have witnessed in the lives of others, the process is its own curse.
My hope is that those of you who are married will do all that you can to keep your marriage healthy. Those of you who are considering marriage, please think very carefully, and unless you’re willing to die for that person, do not marry them.
I may be biased, but I really like the way the Seventh-day Adventist Commentary talks about it.
In the providence of God the marriage institution was designed to bless and uplift humanity. The companionship of husband and wife was ordained of God as the ideal environment in which to mature a Christian character. Most of the personality adjustments of married life, and the difficulties encountered by many in making these adjustments, call for the exercise of self-restraint and sometimes self-sacrifice. True “love is patient and kind,” it “does not insist on its own way,” it “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor. 13:4–7, RSV). When Christians enter into the marriage relationship they should accept the responsibility of applying the principles here stated. Husbands and wives who thus apply these principles, and who are willing for the grace of Christ to operate in their lives, will find that there is no difficulty, however serious it may appear to be, that cannot be solved. Where dispositions are not congenial, the Christian solution is to change dispositions, not spouses.
- Francis D. Nichol, ed., The Seventh-Day Adventist Bible Commentary, vol. 5 (Review and Herald Publishing Association, 1980), 337–338.
My personal approach
I want to be very clear that this is MY PERSONAL APPROACH!
You don’t have to follow it. I am not sure it is the best approach for everyone. This is how I approach my marriage to my wife. This is personal and I share it so you can have a glimpse of my mindset when it comes to my marriage to my wife of 17 years (as I write this post).
When it comes to my wife and my marriage, I am all in. I am the hero of this love story. I behave the way I want the main character to behave. I give and sacrifice and offer my very best to my wife. Divorce is not an option. I chose this woman and I vowed to be there for her, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. I am a man of my word. I did not speak those words lightly. I meant them and I will live by them to my dying breath.
This is dangerous. I know. But I chose my wife very carefully. My priorities in life are God first, and my wife is second. I chose her carefully and I know that together we can accomplish more than I could ever dream of accomplishing on my own. When I invest in her I invest in myself, in my life, my family, my well-being. I am all in. I don’t care for anyone else like I care for my wife.
18 And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.
- Matthew 28:18-20 NKJV
Also, if I am to share Jesus with with people of all nations, I believe I need to start in my own home. I need to show my spouse the love of Jesus. In many ways it is easier to share Jesus in small bursts, on weekends, at church, on a mission trip, etc. But living it day in and day out is a different experience. Jesus promises to be with me as I disciple those around me, so I begin with my spouse, and my kids, and from my own home my influence spreads to others.
I would like to encourage you to follow Jesus’ commission and disciple those around you for His kingdom. Let it begin in your home. He promises to be with you. Lean on Him and let the results be for His honor and glory.
Bonus - Deeper Dive
Controversy over the Original Content
Some debate the authenticity of Jesus’ provision for divorce since Mark 10:11-12 and Luke 16:18 make the prohibition of divorce absolute. For example, some argue that Mark and Luke tell us what Jesus said and that Matthew is giving us the position held in the church today. However, it is more likely that Matthew is spelling out what was implicit in the first century. (Morris, L. (1992). The gospel according to Matthew. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing. p121)
On this topic, Stott argues the following:
I would wish to argue, as do virtually all conservative commentators, that we must accept this clause not only as a genuine part of Matthew’s Gospel (for no mss omit it) but also as an authentic word of Jesus. The reason why many have rejected it, regarding it as an interpolation by Matthew, is that it is absent from the parallel passages in the Gospels of Mark and Luke. Yet Plummer was right to dub ‘a violent hypothesis’ (Plummer, A. (1909). An exegetical commentary on the gospel according to St. Matthew. p82) this easy dismissal of the exceptive clause as an editorial gloss. It seems far more likely that its absence from Mark and Luke is due not to their ignorance of it but to their acceptance of it as something taken for granted. After all, under the Mosaic law adultery was punishable by death (although the death penalty for this offence seems to have fallen into disuse by the time of Jesus); So nobody would have questioned that marital unfaithfulness was a just ground for divorce. Even the rival Rabbis Shammai and Hillel were agreed about this. Their dispute was how much more widely than this the expression ‘some indecency’ in Deuteronomy 24:1 could be interpreted.
- John R. W. Stott and John R. W. Stott, The Message of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7): Christian Counter-Culture, The Bible Speaks Today (Leicester; Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1985), 96–97.
Regarding Deuteronomy 22:22; and John. 8:1–11. G. E. Ladd writes: ‘The Old Testament condemned adultery with the death penalty. The New Testament says that an adulterer is to be considered as one dead, and the innocent party is freed from his marriage vows as though his mate had died’ (The Gospel of the kingdom, Eerdmans, 1959, p. 85).
Bonus - Personal Thoughts on my Marriage
The Relationship Episode - 15th wedding anniversary special
Family and Relationships - my wife and I answer questions sent by followers.
I am grateful for my wife - personal reflections on marriage
The Relationship Episode - my wife and I answer questions sent in by followers (part 2, part 3)
